What kind of person should I marry?
Love is most often what leads people to agree to marry but it is marriage that sustains the relationship when love ebbs and flows.” Love can initiate marriage, but it is marriage that keeps love alive. The life-long commitment of marriage is only possible if two people make a covenant that is much stronger than the feelings of love.
We all know how much we need to belong, to know where we fit, to know what “home” is. People thrive when they live in stable relationships. Life-long marriage is the basis of that stability. Such marriages are the building blocks of homes, families, communities, and nations. Because your parents (and their parents before them) established a stable marriage, you have a family where you belong. And because you have siblings and other relatives, you will always belong. And you have the privilege and responsibility to establish the same for your children and grandchildren. Ask Jennifer, about the broken people she knows without roots, without a stable “home,” who don’t know where they belong.
When we think of making a life-long covenant, we wisely ask, “What kind of person do I need to be and what kind of person does my spouse need to be to help in keeping such a covenant.” As one writer said, “A bird can fall in love with a fish, but where will they live.” What values and attributes do this person have that I’m making a covenant with, that will sufficiently match mine, so that keeping our covenant more likely. I know we will both fail each other in minor and major ways in our covenant, but what will best ensure we can endure those failures? Back to my silly metaphor – a bird and a fish will have a hard time of it. How much easier and more satisfying if they were both one or the other.
A great question to answer about someone you think of marrying is, “What is their picture of the future?” And of course, that only helps if you know what your picture of the future is. What long-term goals do they have? What would a successful life look like to them?
Answering these questions is necessary because of the obvious truth that two people heading in different directions will have a hard time sustaining a covenant. If having “things” is what one person views as success and the other doesn’t, it is almost guaranteed there will be serious problems. That’s just one example. Other examples might be a person whose highest goal is to be liked or to be powerful or to just play or worst of all to follow an ideology or religion that is contrary to your own. A committed Christian and a committed Mormon will have a rough marriage. A committed Christian and a commitment Marxist will, likewise, be in conflict. A committed Christian will even have a very difficult time being married to a Christian “in name only.”
The question of what “values and attributes” the person has, is best answered by who is their god? Does she see herself as the judge of what is good, bad, right, wrong, or worthy or unworthy of her time? Or does he see Jesus as the one who has the wisdom and right to decide those things?
Spiritual allegiance: So, the first question a Christian must ask of a potential spouse is, “Is the person a Christ-follower?” This is not the same as asking if they believe in God; as the Bible says, “The Devils believes in God.” Only God knows the heart of a person, but we can see evidence of one who follows Jesus.
- The evidence starts with whether the person claims to be a follower of Jesus (I use the name “Jesus” very intentionally because it is an intimate name).
- And because the source of most of what we know about what it means to follow Jesus is from the Bible, we want to know if they read, study, and intend to obey what God says in the Bible.
- Another evidence is whether they are faithful to a community of believers – a local church, where they learn, serve, belong, and give.
- Do they pray and are they willing to pray for you and with you?
- Are they obedient to the teaching of Scripture (The 10 Commandments and the Great Commandment are summary examples)?
Attributes, Characteristics, Values: None of us is blind, we know that appearance is often what attracts us first. But we also know appearance is only skin deep and what makes a person truly attractive is much more than appearance. Other characteristics become vitally important almost immediately. What is this person like? How do they act? What are they like under pressure? How would someone observing them for months characterize them? What evidence of the following attributes do you see in them?
- Kindness – what evidence do you see in their relationship with their parents, siblings, friends, and strangers (maybe especially, strangers)?
- Honesty – Must be a person of their word in all situations; does what they say they will do. This is the basis of trust!
- Positive – they have a positive outlook on life. The “glass is half-full, not half-empty!”
- Optimistic
- Content – satisfied and grateful for what God has given each day.
- Likes people
- Neat in appearance and where they live (“What you see is what you get.”)
- Attractive as they can be without flaunting it.
- Self-confident, not perpetually insecure seeking encouragement.
- Uncritical and respectful of others
- Takes no delight in “bad-mouthing” others.
- Compassionate especially toward the needy, the disadvantaged, sick, and those left out.
- Industrious and Responsible – takes initiate and follows through on tasks and promises.
- Forgiving with no “grudge-holding” – this is essential in marriage
- Patient
- Humble, not pretentious
- Curious, a life-long learner
- Flexible, willing to try new things.
- Loves children
- Can take correction
- Willing to trust and follow your lead as a husband/ Willing to give his life for his wife.
- Loves you as evidenced by much of the above.
- Rejects pornography of all kinds – it is cancerous to a marriage.
- Rejects vulgar and profane speech.
- Either doesn’t use alcohol/drugs or is ALWAYS used in moderation – NEVER inebriated or high.
And it is always important to remember, the one you are looking for is looking for someone very much the same. It is not only who should you marry but who would want to marry you.